It has now been reported that The Tate Worm (Channing Tatum) will be swapping a sparkly speedo for gills in the remake of “Splash”.
The 1984 film originally starred a young Tom Hanks prior to his on screen bro-romance with a beach ball in Cast Away. Daryl Hannah played the mermaid who stalks down the boy who she saved from drowning many years ago.
Adding a twist of M. Night Shyalma… Shiela… Shyamlaen… That guy who does twisty things to films, Channing will reprise Daryl Hannah’s role as the mermaid.
I asked Mr. Tatum what drew him to the gender fish switching role. He replied “I feel that mermen haven’t been portrayed fairly in recent years on film. I used to watch the Justice Friends and I was like Aqua-Man is like huge wussy. All he could do is talk to fish. Now, in the Justice League film Aqau-man is like a complete drunk! He drinks like a fish. Get it? Anywho, he’s a looser. That’s not a positive role model for young mermen. Don’t get me started on the merman in Cabin in the Woods”.
Aqua-Man was not available for a response. However, his father King Neptune was. This is the letter we received.
I find Mr. Tate Worm’s words crude and hurtful. Not just to my son, but to all mer-people out there. These examples that he mentions don’t represent all the aquatic life in New Atlantis.
Mr. Worm shouldn’t make accusations when he himself has had a life filled unsavory action. I’ve seen Jupiter Ascending sir. No one and I mean know will ever forget that. Bees Mr. Tate Worm. Really?
My son and I and the rest of the good fish people of New Atlantis eagerly await an apology.
P.S. I look forward to piercing your belly with my trident and hearing the screams of the rest of the land walkers as I drown them in the deepest part of the ocean. Good day.
Brian Grazer and Ron Howard are excepted to return and produce.