CONFIRMED! TED CRUZ CAUGHT PRACTACING BLACK MAGIC

During a riveting debate last between Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and Texas
Senator Ted Cruz all hell broke loose.

As Sanders talked down to small business owners a oily black film washed over
Cruz’s eyes. He began speaking in a archaic language that could on be translated
into “facts”. Dark grey clouds began to surround the stage as the senator
approached Sanders.

Still droning on and on about how the middle class needs to be paying for his
fourth house, Sanders rant came to an abrupt holt. He was lifted of the ground by
an levitation spell and turned around to face the master of the dark arts.

The only thing that could be heard from Sanders trembling mouth was “Feelings”?
Cruz chuckled and promptly ripped the Vermont Senators heart out. The audience
gasped in horror as the debate monitors tried to regain some sort of control.

The lifeless body of Sanders hung in the air as Cruz began to read the entirety of
the Constitution and the Bill of Rights to slowly beating heart. Once finished he
slammed the heart back into the senator where life returned to his body.

This happened several times through the night. Bets were placed by the audience
members and the debate monitors at what point Cruz would give up. The
Constitution and The Bill of Rights was read to Senator Sanders heart one
thousand seven hundred and ninety one times.

Well played Cruz. Well played.

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Clinton supporters disappointed in lack luster presitation of lies

Do you wipe emails with a cloth or try convincing black friends you carry around hot sauce in your purse? If these lies don’t seem  well thought out, you’re not the only one.

The Clinton’s have been known for spinning lies that rival the depths of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings. Ever since Hillary has announced her bid for president her ability to conjure up a lie lacks a serious punch.

Most of Hillary’s supporters look forward to her cover ups. One fan had this to say, “You know, it was like story time when she would talk. Now, I rather watch reruns of Jersey Shore.”

Another Clinton supporter commented with “Waiting for her to lie was like waiting for a summer blockbuster to come out. Every time she speaks now I feel like I’m watching a terrible reboot of a classic film I loved. It’s just tragic”.

We asked the Clinton campaign to respond to the criticism. A spokesman for them replied. “With the primaries over Mrs. Clinton can get back to focusing on crafting better lies to tell the American people. Trust me. You will not be disappointed come November.”

 

 

 

 

 

Obama demands $400 Million ransom back after finding out hostages are registered Republicans

 

The Obama Administration paid a whopping $400 million to Iran in exchange for four American hostages. This has raised the eyebrows of many of Obama’s critics because it is incredibly illegal.

When asked to comment, White House Press Secretary Josh earnest had this to say, “Loopholes. They’re the beeznees.”

The administration exchanged US dollars for wooden pallets stacked with euros, Swiss francs and other currencies.

The hostages were safely returned to U.S. soil. Upon arrival they praised Obama for securing their safe release. However, the Obama administration soon found out that all four hostages are registered Republicans and avid Trump supporters.

Reporters asked Josh Earnest what President Obama had to say about it. “This isn’t what we paid for.”

Since the exchange President Obama has had no luck in contacting the Iranians to ask for the money back. No word either when Iran will unblock Obama from twitter.

Trump goes full hour without insulting someone

Sources from inside Trump’s base have said that the Republican Nominee has gone a full hour without insulting anyone.

One staffer had this to say “He asked me to get him a cup of coffee… and that was it! I don’t know what to say”? 

The campaign has encouraged Trump to go a full two hours. Mr. Trump told his staff “Don’t hold your breath you idiots”.

Satan distances himself from Clinton

 This has caused a frenzy and outrage from Clinton supporters. Especially in the depths of hell. The father of all lies open the gates of the volcanic abyss to issue a statement.

 “I just want to make a few things clear. Donny and I go way back. I also consider him a good friend. He has even credited me for helping  build his empire on souls of the innocent. So when I say this it is not in negative light toward Donny. I have no direct ties to Mrs. Clinton. 

 It’s possible that Donald was referring to one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Possible Pestilence. I have gotten both of them  confused on may occasions.

 This hasn’t been the first time my name has been invoked along with Mrs. Clinton. I understand that we both murder, lie, and commit other atrocities on this planet. But to re-illustrate my earlier point we are not connected in any way.”

 The Clinton campaign has yet to deny the statement  made from Mr. Trump.